Archive for 2014

Home Archive for 2014

Satisfied I am

I realized that I have been satisfied for some time now. Satisfied with people around me. Satisfied with what I do and what happens to me. In a way it's only acceptance. But whichever way, I do feel satisfied. I hardly feel deprived, hardly long for things.

But as I pause my life and look around me, I see the world moving. A world unsatisfied. Unsatisfied of the people in it and unsatisfied of what has happened.

The smile stretched out on my lips began to fade.

Satisfaction is a feeling shared mutually. It entwines everyone related to a person or a situation. Until everyone is satisfied, no one will get the chance to be satisfied themselves.

I'm here, staring at the world passing me by; happy faces,the frowns, the emotionless,the beaten. If I alone become satisfied, I will be thrown out. Will be pushed out. And when in time I realize, the world will have moved on, leaving me to devour on my satisfaction until there is none left.

And there will come a time that I start running again. To gather what I haven't and to be satisfied again.

How wrong have I been all this time...

I know you care

Clinging to me
Like a last breath you would breathe
You were like home to me
I don't recognize the street

Please don't close your eyes
Don't know where to look without them
Outside the cars speed by
I never heard them until now

I know you care
I know it is always been there
But there's trouble ahead,I can feel it
You are just saving yourself when you hide it

Yeah, I know you care
I see it in the way you stare
As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin

And I know you care

I used to run down the stairs
To the door and I thought you were there
Do you shape through the comfort of us
Two lovers loved out of love

Oh, but I know you care
I know it is always been there
But there's trouble ahead,I can feel it
You are just saving yourself when you hide it

Yeah, I know you care
I see it in the way you stare
As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it
I'll be saving myself from the ruin

And know it wasn't always wrong
But I've never known a winter so cold
Now I don't warm my hands in your coat
But I still hope

'Cause this is how thing sought to have been
And I know the worst of it wasn't all that it seemed

Why can't I dream
Why can't I dream

'Cause I know you care
And I know you care

I know you care
I know you care

I know it's always been there

The perfect balance

Staring away in to the distance, catching glimmers of lights being dragged around. Everything looks random at first. It takes the calmness of a tired idler to spot the uniformity of everything around.

Every little detail of life implies no meaning particularly. But as a piece of a whole, there is nothing more significant than some little detail floating about.

It is truly fascinating how one does not completely realize the facts of life once they are taken as a whole. One knows that others think and dream but never realizes while dwelling on his own dream.

One hardly realizes that one's desires almost always coincides with another's. Desires which can only be quenched by one.

People smile at the cost of another's. A laughter on this hand and a well of tears on the other. One being whole while another seeps to solitude. Questions asked and answers given.

But the answer lies far away from the question. One may never find the answer to his question until he dreams the dream of all dreamers. Until he unravel his tears over laughter. Until he can answer another's question.

The perfect balance we don't give in to.

On strange waters

It's funny how I sailed in waters unknown, reaching far corners, gathering feelings and experiences, wound up back in home waters, now unknown to me.

It is as if life is telling me that I've reached the end of the line and it's time to start another round.

I've already started the next round that doesn't seem so different from the last but exponentially frustrating. Lack of new faces, availability of faces I resent;I've grown to resent. All that makes me wonder what could be in store for me as I sail deep this time.

It's more like diving than sailing this time around. Under water, drowning each second. Trying to catch my breath but failing to. It's a constant struggle with an enemy I'm not so strong against. I can't swim.

It's difficult to understand who the gappis and who the sharks are. They are all role playing, dressed up as another. Most of them can't see the devil inside the other, most of them can't even try.

Floating burdens

Another misty morning dawned with a loose ambition. Stepping out of my house I wonder what my parents' perception of me is. It's not so difficult to guess but I have a hard time convincing myself of it.

It's not quite a nice feeling when you know that you've not done any wrong but still have to bear the burden of an alleged fault.

All I can do to make myself feel alright is to try and forget what happened or to convince myself that I don't care about what others think of me.

Life, everyday, is not so welcoming.

Burden after burden to bear. Unnecessary problems to solve. What is wrong with everything around me? Most things don't make any sense. I just have to go with the flow. Is that the signal I'm receiving?

My precious

I don't think my mother will live long enough to see her grandchildren. I fear that she wouldn't even be at my wedding. Or my convocation. Knowing her liver's condition I fear for her greatly.

I have no idea how I'm gonna live without her. I've had her all my life I want her to be there through it all.

I just wish I'm lucky enough to see her live long. Because my life started with her and it will end with you.

Maturing

It's a wonder how maturity comes over so fast. You live all your childhood in school. Living a life of a kid unaware of any adversities of the surroundings.

You live a life so innocent. Full of cheer and joy. Playful and careless. And everyone treat you nicely, understanding the kid you are.

You face a turning point; a point of determination where a great responsibility is vested on your shoulder. Which ever you face it, what outcome it may have does not matter. What matters is that once you've gone through it you no longer are that kid.

Immature becomes mature.

The passage that didn't count has transformed the kid into a grown up.

It only reveals the fact that you are always that grown-up within. The sugar coating is just a fiction.

You are who you are, it doesn't change.

An unacceptable convergence

I've been thinking about something lately. Doing all these things that I do, I hardly receive any appreciation. Is that the reason why I resent everything that I have and what I do? Is it why I believe that other people aren't satisfied with what I do for them? May be I'm not doing enough.

I will not know it for sure unless someone speaks up. I feel like going through the motions set for me. Is my expectation of achievements so different? Am I not to achieve them? Questions that I should be asking myself. I don't really want the answers.

All my life I've been dissatisfied. Dreaming high while living a life so low. The parity is hurtful to the soul. Not everyone knows the pain of not achieving the dreams unachievable.

A pain I myself inflicted.

At times I feel as if I'm running away from the reality. That may be true but if I was given a choice, I would still choose to escape the reality. To alternate realities that I have not set boundaries for.

I'm living multiple lives in this same mortal form. Convergence of which are painfully unacceptable.

Pitiful

A morning saturated with moisture all around. The leaves dragged down the ground with the weight of water droplets hanging from their tips.

Isn't that what it feels like to be full of burden? It drags you down to the ground if your will is not strong enough to keep you standing tall. What hope do we, the broken people have?

None I would say. Except for those little things that don't count for most but for us. Our survival depends on them. Our happiness depends on them. So it's the little things that need our attention.

I've seen people growing tall. I've seen them falling to the ground. I've helped build people. I've driven people to the dirt. What kind of person does it make me?

The questions are yet to be answered.

Some people thank me for what I've done for them. And some people hate. It's not really my judgment of my disposition that matters but the net of the outsiders'.

Nobody says it to my face but I know what kind of a pain I am for most of them. Yet they stay with me by my side. Is my desperation that apparent that it triggers their moral judgment to pity me against their self defenses?

Slipping back

My mind doesn't run off to the far corners of oblivion anymore as I stare at this ceiling which is only a painting of my imagination to compensate for the lack of visibility. The darkness that surrounds me offers no comfort at all to ease my nerves. Perhaps my nerves don't need calming. It's calm anyway. Perhaps the need is to be rid of the distractions that surround my mind, eating it away slowly. Only if I can manage to bring myself to do what's necessary to keep it clear and objective.

Drowsiness has returned to me after all these days of constant self motivation and struggling. Can it not leave me alone forever?

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